so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
