her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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