I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
