It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
