I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
