my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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