I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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