There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
