If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
