Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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