I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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