So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
