So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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