my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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