I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Holy shit dude........stairs
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