He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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