He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
