Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
