I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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