apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
