Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
