how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
