just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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