Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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