Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
