Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
