Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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