I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?