I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess