some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
send nudes
from the living room?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
