I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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