Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
