So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
