dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
