and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
