Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?