It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drunk is not a location!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
