question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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