it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
