I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
