drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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