I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
