I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
