hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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