It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
