I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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