hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
