That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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