keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
