he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
