Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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