Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
