I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
