The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
