do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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