My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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